Friday, May 23, 2008 @ 4:32 PM


i am so tired seriously.. i havent been sleeping for more then 10 hours for the past 2 days.. its just projects and tutorials..

i am contemplating of sleeping now and do my project in the afternoon tml but it doesnt help when i think of my almost demonic teacher and how she would just say, its all wrong.. i need to get everything done by tonight..

i am seriously worried for my HR project.. it is PBL and i kinda hate and love it.. i should not worry and leave things into His' hands..

worrying=telling God you are not able to handle my situation

which is insane.

well.. pray and pray and pray.. i want my A! i am serious. i will do anything to get there.

from the toliet bowl.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008 @ 6:34 AM


ok. the title sounds disgusting but this is revelation that i got while i was in the toliet just now.. i was talking to myself and it just flowed out of my mouth.. ok.. now you would think i am werid cause i talk to myself.. but there are times i do that to just entertain the silence at house in the afternoon..

i was meditating on really going after your dreams and your goals, not being afraid but really gg after them.. i just came out of a season of self-reflection.. what are my goals and how,why am i running after them..

and i must conclude this,

"life is too short to live under the opinion of others"

if all we does is that, let me tell you,

"you will be so busy being afraid, till you dont run for your own dreams anymore"

and once you know it, your life is gone.

He just kinda asked me (and pretty much answered the question for me),

"what makes you run?"

he got me remembered of this guy, who was really chasing and running after the bus when i was waiting at the interchange a few days back..
back then he told me, "it takes alot of passion to run like that"

so what makes me run? i begin to wonder..

then he said, "there are two types of running in this world."

two types of running??

"to make you run is either,
1: putting something you dont like behind you and people would run away from it.. they would run forward to avoid the thing they do not like.. for example, a burning house, people would run away from the house
2: placing something you like in front of you, and run towards it.. like for example, i put a bag of gold in front, you would run towards it. "

hmmm.. thats cool and very true.. being quite amazed by it though its a simple theory..

"although both causes you to run and looks like the same, it is different.
the first, creates only fear and does not make you happy at all.. it does not tap into any of your potential and makes you feel unsatisfied because the driving force is fear.. but the second one, creates happiness. you achieve something you really want. both might get you to the same destination as you run, but the first will make you feel lousy like a loser but the second makes you feel like a champion."

"the world love to adopt the running away method to get you bonded with fear.. you run because you are afraid and you miss out yourself because u r too busy being afraid.. but I uses the second method, a running towards a prize and a goal, because it makes you who you want to be."

"but in the second method the prize at the destination, MUST match up to the price of your life.. the prize must be something you are willing to lay your whole entire life for.. if not, half way through, you will feel unsatisfied because the destination is not equilvalent to your potential or your life."

"and only I can satisfy that it"

what causes you to run?
it will determine whether are you a champion or are you a loser.
both gets you to the same destination, but only one makes you the person you want to be and can be..

the limit of to your potential is the limit you place in your mind.

Monday, May 19, 2008 @ 3:04 AM


adapted from what happens in vegas, (not word for word)

"i rather you do nothing and be happy then to do something that i am unhappy with"

it dawned upon me that we must do what we love and love what we do.. it can get really draining and tiring, both physically, mentally and emotionally when you are doing something u dont like.. with love, it empowers us to work late into nights without complaining.. with love, it keeps you happy thought u r tired.. with love, it gives you power to overcome all obstacles just to get to the destination.. then naturally the next question to ask would be, "where is your love?"

youe heart goes in the direction of your love.

if anything tries to oppose it, detering you from the direction of your love, then what we named unhappiness would surface in our life.

"the happiest day in my life is when i took a ferry 30 miles away and reached a light house along the beach. as i stood there, it was happiest day of my life because there wasnt anyone that i needed to please. i can be who i really want to be"

in this society, as much as i would like to say i dont need to please anyone, i cant. frankly, there would always be times, even if its only for a second or two, there would be someone we want to please, be it parents, a girl, a guy. it gets so tiring when you are all caught up with it. we often lose our own sanity, personality and potential when we do that. we stop our own mind, so that we can fit into the mind of others. we compromise and we conform. however, we would miss the whole big picture all together, simply because, people's mind are often too small to contain you and your great ideas.

great people become who they are because they DARE to step out of the mind of others and reach into the mind of a greater being.

NOW, its time we need to learn how to take a step back and realised who we really are and stop becoming the who that others want you to be.
i dont think you would need to ferry to bring you 30 miles across because i think you would end up at pula ubin and not some beautiful light house :)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008 @ 12:25 PM


When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy.. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago. The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes. Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls.

Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife.. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me. However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment. One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious. When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry.. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew. With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again. She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically. I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.

I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain.. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said.
To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.

I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious. She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever.. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

what a beautiful story.. ok bing, time for HR project and not love stories.

Sunday, May 11, 2008 @ 1:59 AM


i got this werid habit of mine that i hate people disturbing with on saturday/sunday morning when i am relaxing yet you are trying to throw stuff at me to do.. wah lau.. its super irritating lah..

caught iron man with macson after cg yesterday.. it was quite an impromptu decision as that guy, i dont know why, have so much energy at night.. its like after a BBQ cg, i was quite tired but hes like.. lets go here, lets go there.. settled on iron man movie was i heard its really nice.. usually i dont watch action/robotics movie.. it took chris quite a number of days of pestering to get me to watch transformers the other time.. so well.. when we were on the bus to the tamp, i was actually secretly praying, God! let there be no shows! but obviously, friday nights always have midnight movies.

i would say i am really impressed with that iron man's house.. i wonder how much Audi paid to advertise in the movie so much. the new audi R8.. SUPER PRETTY! i saw one real life just on tuesday with macson.. he doesnt look impress when i was screaming while i saw that audi drove past us.. i wanted to rob that guy in the car.. he must be super wealthy..

this post is so random and senseless..

Friday, May 09, 2008 @ 3:11 PM


i've been forgetting alot of stuff recently.

i declare: i need a notebook/organizer.

my forgetfulness has got me alot of trouble already and i feel so so inefficient like this.

and recently i've just fell in love. in love with burberry brit sheer

"get going"

Tuesday, May 06, 2008 @ 3:23 PM


a new addition :) thanks mummy!



i know its a rather old book. but its max lucado books are like gems. the age doesnt matter.

you know, i experienced something freaky yet cool today.

ok. i was in school today and i was just thinking abt this somebody. i know he is in TP too cause i saw him in this TP tee shirt on one saturday before but have not ever seen him in school.

so i went to the bookshop to get some materials for the making of my mother's day card. browsing and looking through, while i turned to look at who is beside me, i saw him there and i nearly got the shock of my life.

well.. this is freaky because i dont know the guy at all.. simply saw him while he was serving in his ministry.. ok.. he aint cute at all.. and i dont know why would i even think about him..

hmm..

i shall end off with this sweet phrase i saw,

"whatever you do, i will always be two steps behind"

Sunday, May 04, 2008 @ 4:30 PM


WOW WOW WOW!

friday and saturday were such great good days.. well.. there are some setbacks, but God is still good!

Friday Prayer Meeting
Led pre cg prayer meeting and the presence of God just fell upon the room even before cg started. i was really glad because there are some stuff which i thought would deter me from really bringing the members into the presence of God. nonetheless, God is gracious! as cat came into the house, i just know that she can already sense the presence of God because we prayed! just glad to be able to help her. then cg was converted into a prayer meeting unexpectedly.. so cat broke us up into our different connect groups. i led my connect group praying the stuff want us to pray for and i just felt this tugging in my spirit to pray regardig humility for the closing prayer i would be making.. words just came out of my heart and spirit.. thought i words i used was those "classic words" but it was different.. i just know it because i can sense the presence ever stronger as i pray more & more on it.. it was so true! because when we gather back together as a cg, cat shared a verse regarding humility! in one spirit we flow! and one thing that cat said just etched in my mind, "if the cg dont grow, it doesnt make me worry that God will love me less and be unhappy with me.. because God's love for me can never be lesser nor will it be more!" His love has been perfected within us! it broke a wrong mindset within me!

Saturday usher duties
well.. got to church at 1230pm when the sun was HOT and SUNNY.. and left church at only 930pm.. was busy every moment with usher duties but it was fun! though i was running around like mad after service.. its super unglam.. but whats new.. taught new ushers training lesson 1! its my first time! had a test in 1pm and start giving the lesson at 230pm! i was so shocked lah! i was like.. LATER??!! SO FAST! but thank God! the students i gave lesson to were so nice and friendly.. 2 guys and 2 girls.. i thought the guys would be bored because i am not too good with guys, but thank God both of them were not those shy shy type.. so i am glad! praying that i have imparted something to them! also, i serve as stage usher for communion.. well.. quite a number of people has been seeing me gg on stage like for weeks.. yup yup.. i am like a ghost haunted on stage.. hahahas. no lah.. today was my first time doing stage communion too! there are more things to take note of and its really.. you need the Holy spirit to guide you! because no one would give you cue! i thought i would like screw it up because i thought i came out too early to collect the elements back from pastor and i would have been slaughtered if such things happen.. i was quite frantic when i saw pastor still talking when i was rather close to him already.. i actually stick out my dearest tongue thinking i am so dead BUT!!! thank God it was only 1/4 of my tongue before i was snap within me saying "YOU ARE ON STAGE!KEEP THAT TONGUE BACK!" then with my slowest pace, i continue to walk to pastor.. THANK God!! he finished his talking by the time i reached him!! *phew* i ran to jeff after service asking him how was my duty.. i did the gravest thing any stage usher could do, stick out the tongue on stage! i was really praying after that that no one sees it.. jeff told me, "i was watching you" i was like.. oh man.. then he said something then the best part came, "everything was beautifully done" i was like.. ARE U SURE! there was a world war 3 gg within me for the few moments on stage!

pastor's sermon was good! i like the last part he shared abt pst choi's son.. i can totally imgaine jesus holding the son's hand saying "your father does not want to let you go" there were such love and touch within my heart and all i could say is... "God, wow~~~~"

Friday, May 02, 2008 @ 8:45 AM


PTL!

my sister gave me a new MP3 player.. well.. its not the ipod nano that i wanted.. but at least i have something to keep me entertain on bus/train journeys..



its an old model from sony.. it was a gift from my sis' company 1-2 years back.. she didnt need it as she have a car..kinda stupid right.. owning a mp3 when u have a car..

will blog abt yesterday's nightwalk soon..

supposedly nightWALK.. but we end up cabbing.. well.. whats new..

and soemthing that carita said that etched in my mind, its first of May already and hows your new year resolution going??

although she said it out funnily as she kept saying she want to diet but still failed to do so, it just got me reminded.. where am i with my goals?

june is coming(which means my birthday!) and 2008 is gg to be gone soon! i need to do more things regarding my goals!